The comp.sys.sinclair
Crap Games Competition 2002

with your sarcastic host Paul Equinox Collins

The Invisible Man

by Lee Prince (original by Matthew Smith)

The sprites in Jet Set Willy use pixel-based collision detection, which means that two objects collide when their pixels overlap. A corollary is that an invisible sprite cannot collide with anything. I realised this after a painstaking and (I thought) spectacularly skilful trek all the way to Ballroom West.
Oh, and it's based on the book by H G Wells. Get out.

Earth Girls Make Tasty Snacks

by Juan Bolokov

"You are alien being from a far galaxi who loves food! You travel Universe in search for good food. You have heard that the girls of Planet Earth are most tasty in galaxi! You fly to Earth..."
Thus begins a comical arcade romp in which the slimy green gourmet tries to catch diminutive cheerleaders with his super-sticky long tongue.
It's rather entertaining, and it reeks of Cascade Cassette 50 - right down to the keyword SPECTRUM disrupting the graphics in 128K mode.

The Great Spec Race

by Jamie "Scribbler" Percival

Designed to run on two competing Spectrums, The Great Spec Race is an adequate implementation of a brilliant idea, which means it's not going to win any prizes in this competition.
You will gasp in sheer terror as the program pokes random values into its own memory space, disrupting the screen display and ultimately triggering a resounding crash. The winner is the last Spectrum standing.
Warning: Never attempt to manipulate the chuntey at home.

The Badly Programmed Adventure

by Jamie "Scribbler" Percival

Lazy, predictable, and submitted two years late.
I bet he was just the same at school.

Simplified Craps

by Anders Carlsson

Crap Games Competition.
Craps Game Competition.

There's always one, isn't there?

A Day at the Races

by Simon "Bad Beard" Conway

All the orgasmic excitement of horse racing in your own home!
Up to eight players can take part, if you can find eight people in the world who want to bet virtual money on simulated horses on a Spectrum.
There are some clever touches like variable interest rates from the bank, but the game has about as much graphical realism as Kevin Toms' Football Manager, or indeed Kevin Toms' beard.

W the Worm versus the Mutant *s

by Kak

A bland scrolling dodge-'em-up with the kind of screen flicker that has genetically afflicted children squirming on the floor of Marks & Spencer three hours later.
With its comical key selection phase and the inclusion of blue Ws as a mocking concession to colour graphics, W the Worm expertly walks the fine line between savage parody and genuine Cascade Cassette 50 fodder.
Regrettably, it's quite fun to play if you crank up your emulator to 300% speed.

Sir Clive's Dragon Mission

by Anders Carlsson

This is offensively good for a first attempt in Spectrum BASIC, with more colourful action than Derek Jolly's favourite magazine.
The plot is acceptably ludicrous - brave Sir Clive is called upon to rid the kingdom of dragons while protecting passing cyclists - but you can tell you're dealing with a professional because firing a bullet doesn't stop everything else from moving.
Not crap so much as mediocre, even if the dragons do look like kangaroos.

Millionaire

by Chris Young

It's amazing what a digitised picture can do to make a crap game look good, even when it doesn't involve tits.
True to form, in this implementation of ITV's hit game show (you agree that you are not a copyright lawyer), the answer you're sure about never seems to be the right one, and the audience knows nothing.
Be aware that Chris Tarrant is a finicky sod who will not hesitate to disqualify you for answering in lower case. That said, he sometimes wants a lower-case letter or even a digit.

Top Shelf Challenge 3: Newsie's Revenge

by Derek Jolly

Another helping of gratuitous eight-bit pornography - but this time it's in colour!
You'll need swift reactions and a box of tissues as you apprehend thieving ruffians in your shop and aim careless glances at the magazines they hoped to pilfer.
We may all have emulators nowadays, but the idea of a multiload where the sections load in a random order is just fantastic.

Ivor the Engine

by Adam Short

  Come on Ivor!
Didn't each of us long to be an engine driver? Probably not, given that we squandered our nerdy childhoods trying to work out what the milk bottle was for in Magicland Dizzy. But if the Codies had released Advanced Welsh Engine Driver Simulator, we would have snapped it up.
Truth is, an engine driver's life is a constant uphill struggle against the Z and X keys. I say we let Daley Thompson drive the bugger.

Big Brother

by Hajo Spuunup (original by David Crane)

Good points: Detailed and colourful graphics, pleasant sound effects, and a myriad of entertaining activities that the occupant of the house can be persuaded to perform.
Bad points: It is a clumsily hacked version of Little Computer People that has nothing whatsoever to do with Big Brother.
Retrospective good point: It has nothing whatsoever to do with Big Brother.

Groundforce

by Colin Woodcock

"You've watched the hit TV show; now relive the thrills and excitement as you and your team of garden experts work against the clock to redesign the grounds of a mystery celebrity."
So much more than just a glorified Advanced Lawnmower Simulator, this multi-stage extravaganza from ZXF magazine has clearly been assembled with loving care and resembles something that a precocious 13-year-old might have sent in to Your Sinclair.

Robbie Williams Headline Generator

by Philip Bee

It might seem tame after the wacky, zany thrills and spills of Chris Young's Sun Copyright Hero, but this fun-packed headline generation station wins out when it comes to badly coloured flying squirrels and the perennial scroll? prompt.
I tried searching the Web for any connection between Robbie Williams and flying squirrels, but only found filthy squirrel pornography. Contact me if you want to trade.

Advanced Stalker Simulator

by Chris Young

I cannot criticise this game too harshly— Well, that applies to every game on this page.
I will not criticise this game too harshly, for it reminds me of my own early programming attempts. The sight of one crudely drawn stick figure lurching after another in flickery slow motion still has me rapt with nostalgic wonder.
With its two exciting stages and the racially sensitive option to choose the colour of your victim, this is a fine simulation that lacks only mutilation and body disposal features.

White Hitch-Hiker in Siberia

by Kak

It's crap, yes, but crap in a crap way.
You can probably guess the punchline without even downloading the game.
Nevertheless, the hardcore Web accessibility contingent will approve of the lack of graphics and colour, while busy judges will appreciate the utter lack of gameplay to be reviewed.

Ferrari Driving Experience

by Gareth Hicks

"Hi. I've written the attached game to capture the full experience of driving a Ferrari around a race track (which I had the pleasure of doing last May). Please note that playing the game is virtually indistinguishable from the real thing."
Thanks, Gareth. We are always happy to hear from the disabled, and your two-dimensional vision and obviously intermittent hearing make this a unique game indeed.

Sun Copyright Hero

by Chris Young

As always, Chris boosts his winning chances by favouring quantity over quality, and we crap gamers are certainly not ones to quibble.
As editor of everyone's favourite kneejerk tabloid, it is your task to select the sordid stories that will keep brainwashed royalists and short-skirted baby factories hooked. Fail, and they start buying the Daily Mirror with their bubble gum. Succeed, and a number is incremented by a random amount.
I'm sure I spent twice as long playing it as he spent writing it.

SOS - Special Pre-School Edition

by John Elliott (original by Geoff Foley)

A rancid blend of isometric 3D graphics and copyright infringement.
"I don't know the ostensible story of this game," says John, "but the point seems to be to get hold of a radio." Well, I'm glad he's done his homework.
Those who are devoid of basic motor skills may select Demo Mode to see the game completed automatically. (You're welcome, Len.)

Fat Snake

by Ant

That's not a bug, it's a feature...
Originally intended to be another boring Snake clone, this game took on an new and exciting slant when the author's incompetence caused the hapless snake to get smaller every time it turned.
Your aim, therefore, is to pick up food while turning as infrequently as possible. The game thankfully ends when the snake bites itself, hits a wall, or inexplicably vanishes into nowhere.
"At least it's got some originality." Ha.

Air Force Moves

by Chris Young

You are a crack helicopter pilot who must fly through 5,000 kilometres of difficult terrain in order to deliver some vital supplies to a military base.
The challenge starts on the title page, where it is quite literally impossible to define all three keys correctly. Stick with the defaults (O, P, and Space) if you intend to get anywhere.
I've played worse commercial games, and the fact that they were Crusher and Tanks on Cascade Cassette 50 is neither here nor there.